What you didn't know about your shift-key!
Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the real
shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little
signs to point them out?
A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in
"look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to
touch type and quit staring at your fingers.
Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?
A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use
this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and
may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if
you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider
obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only
$139.95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't
warn you.
Q. My religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital
letters and punctuation
A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with your spiritual
advisor. Perhaps your deity would not be angered by repeated use of
the Caps Lock key, or maybe you can retain a consultant to depress the
shift for you. You might also consider replacing punctuation marks
that require the use of shift keys with lower case expressions;
replace ? with "huh" and ! with "zowie".
Q I PRESSED SHIFT AND IT"S STUCK DOWN NOW>
A. Do small children with a fondness for peanut butter use your
keyboard frequently? If so, you may want to clean it off for more
reliable operation. First, disconnect your keyboard by gripping each
of its ends firmly and pulling as hard as you can. Next, immerse the
keyboard in warm water and scrub thoroughly with your favorite
lemon-scented detergent and lots of steel wool. Finally, you need to
dry the keyboard. Either dry it to touch with a handheld blowdryer, or
place it it the dryer for not less than 60 minutes. Be sure to clean
the lint screen when you are finished.
Q. Why are there no "shift" keys on my keyboard, but there are two
keys labelled "hif"?
A. Again, you may want to consider cleaning your keyboard, and washing
your hands more frequently for that matter.
Q. Are there shift keys on my Macintosh?
A. Yes, although instead of the notation "shift", the key may be
labelled with an excited Mac face, something like :O . Press this key
to use shift, and be thankful you're using a friendly Mac instead of a
mean old PC with all them confusin' words 'n stuff on it.
Q. I'm sick of pushing the shift key every single time I want big
letters. Is there any other way to do this?
A. This is the Modern Age of Convenience, and you may be able to
activate the shift key merely with the power of your voice! Check to
see whether your computer is equippped with speech-recognition
equipment by saying the word "shift" very clearly and slowly into its
speaker. Then watch the keyboard closely to see if the Shift key moves
down. Note that you may have to repeat this action several times to
"train" the computer to recognize your voice before the feature works
reliably.
Q. There are two shift keys, which should I use?
A. Avoid unnecessary wear on either shift key by alternating between
the two. Keep track of your usage of each key so that you press them
in equal amounts. Your keyboard may be equipped with a small notepad;
you should use this to make little tally marks in two columns for each
time you shift. Remember, it's better to go to a little trouble than
wind up with a broken shift key.
Q. Why are the shift keys bigger than the other keys?
A. They aren't. This is simply an optical illusion. Just as the moon
appears much larger when it is close to the horizon, your shift keys
look larger because of their proximity to other keys. To verify this,
go out in a large field at night with your keyboard, place it in an
upright position, and view it from a distance of 200 yards. Sure
enough, the keys all look the same size!
Q. If I press the shift key at the wrong time, or too many times, will
my computer explode?
A. No. Well, generally no. Not unless you are using a NEC laptop. Or
vt100 terminal emulation. But even then, hardly ever. Really, don't
worry about it. Forget I mentioned it. Just type softly. Move along,
next question.
Q. No matter what I do, the shift key just doesn't seem to
work. What's wrong?
A. Have you ever considered that the problem may not be your keyboard,
the problem may be YOU? Perhaps God Himself has suspended the
operation of these keys to send you a Message that you have strayed
from the path of righteousness. Use this as an opportunity to reflect
on your life. Before rushing blindly ahead with a lot of shifting,
consult the spiritual advisor of your choice for help in dealing with
any unresolved issues in your relationship with the Almighty.
